a weekend at a women's expo

My Father has an arsenal of proverbial sayings that could house its own library.

One of said sayings is, “All education costs something.” After spending 25 hours and an entire weekend exhibiting at the “Women’s Expo/Bridal Show,” I could pen a few chapters to add to my own library.

The ability to witness thousands of women scamper around a giant bio-dome-like warehouse shopping for everything from wedding videos (which is why we were exhibiting) to herbal medicine to Social Security booths….was…priceless.

Top 5 Lessons for Man at a Women’s Expo

#1: The striking resemblance of a Women’s Expo to a carnival, except filled with beautiful women instead of a Gravitron and stuffed animals.

As a teen, I always loved going to carnivals to mess with the vendors, including the time my friend grabbed me by the throat and pointed his giant-ping-pong gun at my skull, to which the attendee responded with the righteous anger of many storms, yelling something unspeakably explicit that mentioned Vietnam.

We scattered, quickly.

Unfortunately, we created no precious memories like that for any attendees this weekend, but as vendors, we experienced the same type of camaraderie with our fellow booth-dwellers as carni-folk experience year-round—without resorting to Marlboro Reds and Elephant Ears. I discovered many lessons in community.

#2: There is something fishy in Dead Sea salt

After 18 hours of standing across the aisle from a women’s spa exhibit, I finally caved and tried the “hand treatment” the ladies had been pimping, after Tingley told me he did it while I was away in the throne-room.

I walked across the aisle to smiling ladies and asked them what I was about to partake in. “This has salt from the Dead Sea in it,” they told me, as they glopped the orangish-cement-like mixture into my outstretched hands and told me to rub.

I remembered a documentary on the Dead Sea; people nearly float nearly on top of it due to the salt concentration and plaster their bodies with its mud. The Holy Land is one of the places I’d like to visit someday. I’ll admit—the spa ladies made me a believer in their mystical goo—it was strange, but somehow pleasant.

#3: Women love shopping

There is no earth-shaking revelation needed to confirm that women love shopping—my mother demonstrated this on Black Friday when she would scurry out of the house at ungodly early hours to catch clearance sales of sweaters and bread-makers. I don’t think it’s so much the stuff, shopping is a bonding experience for women.

In fact, this weekend, women even had to pay a fee to enter a warehouse to shop for stuff, and the line was enormous—the masses could’ve easily destroyed the Berlin Wall. Not since I made the error of entering a mall days before Christmas have I witnessed this intense passion for shopping.

I would take breaks and walk through the aisles attentively, watching all the action and commotion around us. It was fascinating. I wished I had taken a camera and filmed a documentary instead of slanging wedding videos.

#4: You are not selling what you think you’re selling.

Bobby Cheeks, our #1 extroverted sales associate, came down on Saturday afternoon to help spice things up. When our video pitch grew stale, he began to ask women if they wanted to purchase “Time Capsules.” Brilliant!

If we were selling to men, they would certainly want to know what type of video equipment and technology we were using, but Cheeks reminded us that we were selling memories. Thankfully, my partner’s wife joined us today to add the much-needed feminine touch to our wall of testosterone.

We were also stationed next to a DJ, so Bobby Cheeks put on the dancing shoes in our booth, even busting out the moonwalk for the ladies—a nice addition.

#5: Man law still holds firm in a warehouse full of shopping women

Perhaps Miller Lite should consider creating a Man Law stating that is okay to attend a Women’s/Bridal Expo as long as 1) you are an exhibitor, or 2) attending for the benefit of a loved one (wife, girlfriend, daughter, friend, etc).

We met and talked to many fathers of the brides, fiancés and husbands who were brought along to the show. There seemed to be an unspoken understanding between the men at the Expo that although we were fiercely outnumbered, we were learning a lot, taking a lot of mental notes, and holding strong in the heat of battle.

While most of the men attended out of love for their women, it is safe to say that most of them were relieved to exit the show—the intangible life lessons are worth their weight in, ah, Dead Sea salt.