suspended

Last night, after over two months of rigorous house hunting, we suspended the search until post-honeymoon.

This was a difficult choice for me to submit to, finding myself acting in ways I never intended when my old landlord brought up a cheap little property in April, while Em was in Zimbabwe.

Since them, I've spent countless hours online continuously searching and calculating and trying to dig up dead properties, creeping around neighborhoods in the '98 Saturn,* walking around abandoned houses, peeking in windows, having numerous discussions (ahem, sometimes fights) with Em and our agent, and operating with a general sense of urgency that we need a house, we need the incentives, that our entire financial future is resting on this transaction.

Which is, of course, all untrue.

Finally, through the grace and vision and persistence of my lovely wife to be, I've recognized it's not worth the relational strain, the lost focus at work, the lack of trust in God.

What I intended to be a lighthearted journey toward something good (a home helps foster family, security, warmth, shelter, responsibility, investment, friendship, community, etc.), it morphed into a number of destructive problems and conflicts that are embarrassing to admit, among the most serious, broken promises and a sense that I'm in control.

But last night, it was clear we've reached the end of the road for now.

We typed out a formal email message to our agent, who has put an extraordinary amount of work into helping us out. But today, we're walking toward our wedding without the weight that goes along with the search, with a renewed focus that our spiritual vitality and upcoming marriage must trump money, or any brick and mortar structure, as well as some difficult, but valuable life lessons and take-aways from this trying experience.

It's also interesting to see our good friends and mentors Jeremy and Julie recently posted on "Trusting God," on their 2+ year search for employment. They're also house-hunting and had a similar * recently. Check it out for further perspective.
______

*In addition to the white smoke cloud I've sprayed onto many pedestrians while house hunting, the Saturn's most valuable asset was stolen yesterday in broad daylight in our city parking lot. The CD player is gone. When I called the lot to report it, there was no shock and awe, they chalk these up to kids or drug dealers looking to sell something. I'm far more disappointed in myself for not fixing the locks, yet it was the first day in a month I've even had the face on the player.

My bad, but stealing sucks.